Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
the world called you crazy but i knew the truth
baby i’m so sorry that i stole your youth
[extended instrumental part]
beg Jah for forgiveness
quick find me a witness
[shorter instrumental bit]
i can’t believe it’s finally coming to me
realization that was your fantasy
end stagnation feel it wash over me
will it relieve you finally having me see?
everything you said was all true
rummaging through memories anew
could it be i could find words for you?
or would it be much too late to make do…
[singing begins to get a little monotone and matter-of-fact]
if words, when put together
could convince you to stay together
would you really be the one for ever
after all that i did, and… [disinterested] whatever
[spoken word, no singing now]
lazy rhyme, lazy time, make it all mine
you’re not listening anymore? what a whore
forget what i said, i was aiming for bed
you know the real story—you’re better off dead.
———
This is something I wrote the first two lines of and two other excised lines ages ago, and then came back to it and decided to go a completely different less sympathetic direction inspired by Henry Rollins’ song Liar. It came together pretty quickly once I realized the better direction.
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138,109 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Ayo. Always like seeing a song posted.
One read-through told me about as much as your comment to canopy did re: the context. The opening lines point to the age gap, and the rest of the song quickly unfolds how the relationship was unhealthy, and the singer is not remorseful. I like how the song develops as the singer becomes progressively less invested in making amends, or rather, upholding a persona that cares. You do a good job creating the stark contrast between line 2 and the end, where he starts with "sorry" and ends with "you're better off dead." Two very opposing sentiments, revealing of the singer's character and true motivations.
Overall, good storytelling in songwriting!
As for the song itself, it's definitely a much looser format than the stereotypical western pop structure of verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus (or some other variation). I think it works really well for the satirical style you're going for. I imagine the instrumental portions are carrying a lot of the weight regarding musicality - creating the mood and telling a story all the same. Do you have a genre in mind for this song? I listened to "Liar," the Henry Rollins song you took inspiration from, and that's what I'm picturing for this stylistically. I also know you put notes in the song itself, which mirror some of the creative choices made in "Liar."
everything you said was all true
rummaging through memories anew
could it be i could find words for you?
or would it be much too late to make do…
Getting into the weeds a bit, I think this portion was the weakest part of the song, and I'll break down the specifics as to why. The rhymes feel a little forced - which successfully makes it feel more insincere, but also less engaging. I can understand adding more words to act out (literally) "could it be more words," but the final line of this portion feels needlessly wordy? I feel like you could accomplish the same effect with a slight reword/reframe.
everything you said was all true
"Everything" and "all" here are redundant, and I don't think the redundancy serves you here in a helpful way. It could be cleaner/clearer. Especially because it doesn't seem like you're aiming for "lazy" until the spoken word portion.
forget what i said, i was aiming for bed
This line also feels a little awkward/unnatural with the "i was aiming for bed" part. While I get what it means, it just feels a little meh, especially when there aren't any other parts of the song with an unnatural turn of phrase/the rest is pretty direct and conversational.
I appreciate the attempts at manipulation in the middle portion (for the story, not because it's morally laudable, of course). And I think my favorite part of the song is the opener -- the hook is very strong, and these lines are killer:
beg Jah for forgiveness
quick find me a witness
Especially knowing there's no sincerity behind them. Just... rock on, after saying something so metal, and then take it all back in like 12 measures and prove to be a faker. Classic predator behavior. (Great characterization.)
I like to imagine they're sung with the singer's full chest, and are probably the most "real" sounding part of the song despite being the least real in actuality. That, or it, in a very sad way, might be the only true moment of self-reflection the singer has before moving on and falling into apathy/being remorseless.
That's all the thoughts I have! Hopefully some of it's helpful for this song or further projects. If you have any questions, gripes, or grievances, feel free to reply. Lol. Thanks for sharing your work! I enjoyed it.
Am in a bit of a poet-y mood so hi Witch Aet~
I kinda get the feeling that this can also mean “if I could say the right things, maybe you’ll stop falling apart” <-- as in, “I saw that what I did to you was horrible and brought you low, so maybe there are some magic words to make it all better” (they aren’t, at least not coming from THAT person)Before reading this, I would like you to know that every time I saw this on my spreadsheet, I immediately had an earworm of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLZSYnq9zjQ
So onto reading:
Oh I do like the second line. Also something’s coming back to me about the topic of the poem so: creepy vibes rising.
I know based on how the story ends (poem I mean arrrgh too much lit reviews not enough poem reviews xd) that this isn’t the real meaning buuutttt:
But I guess the actual meaning is more literal, as in “get back together, in an actual relationship”
Ahh what creepy vibes, and the ending is ofc so typical. Very well hit, aet.
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Wow well done. I use this app to make my songs real and I want you to make this into a real song. I'm impressed. The app is called Suno and it is so good. Make your lyrics into a soundtrack. I never read a song like this before...not that I know of a least. I can't wait to read more of your lyrics. https://suno.com/
This was certainly interesting.... I'm afraid I didn't quite get the context for most of the latter half of the poem. Particularly the part starting from
and ending with That could just be me though.I think it's a good concept, and the parts I understood I appreciated. What I could gather that this was perhaps a satirical view of a person in an unhealthy relationship? Them being what made it unhealthy. I would liked more context or more narration to make it more clearer.
Hi, thanks for commenting! This is a depiction of an apology for abusive behavior in an age gap relationship, but as the person reveals they arent really remorseful and were just trying to get the victim in bed again.